top of page

Feel it to Heal it

“You are already healed”


Someone rebutted this to me once after I explained the details of my current health journey.


As if mere words could magically make me better, I replied, “I am in the process of healing - a lifelong process, I am learning.”


I perceived his retort as lacking patience and understanding….You are already healed...be healed, already.


When I fully absorbed the reply, I thought to myself “yes, I understand the sentiment, to put my energy forth in a positive light rather than focusing on there being something ‘wrong with me’” - Never in the history of being sick or dis-eased did it ever help anyone to focus on being so. Hanging on to every detail of a bad cold, i.e. a stuffy nose, sore throat, body aches, only makes things feel worse.


Everything is energy - we live in a vibrational world, a quantum reality; one that functions within the electromagnetic, guided and influenced by our thoughts and emotions - powerful BEings we are!

That being the case, the best thing anyone could do when not feeling well would be to center energy around feeling better, around healing.


However, just saying and thinking “I am already healed” does not undo all of the wound up energy that gets stored in our bodies (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) throughout a lifetime.

Yes, it is vital to address the collective programming we have all experienced; that something is ‘wrong’ (imbalanced) and needs to be fixed; that our natural state is ‘not good enough’ and needs to be altered in some way; that we have to look outside of ourselves to experience healing rather than within.

So, I do agree that thinking “I am already healed” helps, in certain ways, to undo the voices and address the limiting beliefs that can so greatly impede on our own self-healing abilities - and yes, we are 100% capable of healing ourselves; we’ve just forgotten, fallen asleep, drifted away from our own divinity, our own magic.


But something has shifted.

We are waking up.

I am waking up, and this is only part of the story of my healing journey...


Earlier last year of 2021, I decided to exit stage left of an unhealthy relationship. Now initially on the surface, I did not consider this relationship to be dysfunctional; quite the opposite actually. I was madly in love, convinced I had met my match, my person. We had an instant connection with too many ‘coincidences’ to overlook. I drove home after our first date, which involved an emphatic conversation that took place over the course of 7 hours accompanied by a few beers and a joint, and contacted one of my closest friends to express my then current state of first-date-bliss:


“Who did I just meet?” not an actual question she would have the answer to.

“I’m totally speechless right now, it feels like I met my other half.”

I melted into my bed and drifted off to sleep in complete la-la land over this guy I had just met on Bumble, the first and last time I would ever use a dating app to meet my hopeful prince charming.


I’ll never forget how I felt on that first date and the several months that followed. We were head-over-heels in love, or at least that’s how it felt for me.

We got along famously. Our energy, our conversations, our body language - it all flowed together so seamlessly. During the first few months of our relationship, we would find ourselves ending the evening sprawled across the hardwood floor stretching and sharing stories of our past adventures, laughing and listening to each other intently. By November we had expressed our love for one another, and although I had reservations - (“It’s too soon to say ‘I love you.’”), I went with the flow and did my best to release any anxiety and leftover fear from previous relationships as well as programming from my childhood (I didn’t have the best role models for functional adult relationships). I was in the ’now’ and was extremely grateful that the universe had guided me to this man.


We met at the end of September 2020. I just had my birthday earlier that month and was goofing around with my siblings about the success I had with my previous partners...


At the start of 2020, I was on-again-off-again with a boyfriend of 5 years. We had gone to school together from 2nd grade to 11th and started dating after my divorce in 2016. These are stories for another time, however that relationship, although beautiful in its own way, was destructive and traumatic, and in the end I had to make the best choice for myself: independence->self-love. My creative expression and urge to heal old wounds in my body was squashed due to insecurities, which stemmed from his story and blossomed through my enabling. For the majority of that relationship, my co-dependency allowed for a lack of personal accountability as I was more focused on helping him and not serving my own needs. I was ‘selfish’ if I didn’t put him or the relationship first. How I functioned for that long (I suppose it wasn’t actually functional), I still don’t quite know. After years of holding myself back, I reached a breaking point (another story for another time) and ended things.


So, when I met this new guy at the end of 2020, I was coming back into my true Self. I figured because I had been doing some of the work and reclaiming my sense of ‘me’ that I was ready for a lifelong partner.


Not quite.


It was late December or beginning of January when I began having doubts or suspicious notions about this seemingly perfect encounter. Sometimes these intuitive feelings would show up in the form of dreams (and thankfully I have recorded all my dreams and am able to affirm my clairvoyant senses) and other times I would just have this off feeling, like I couldn’t trust him.

And yet, at the time, he hadn’t given me any reason to NOT trust him.

That’s just some old, unresolved wounds talking.

Right.


I entertained this ‘tug-of-war with’ my head, heart, and gut for about a month, a few times giving voice to my anxious and worried state because we had that kind of openness. I shared everything with him. I even told him about this dream I had where he was hiding a woman in his room.

She was larger than life, like a giant, and he was hiding her in his closet. In the dream however, he wanted me to see that he was hiding her as he didn’t even try to cover it up. I could feel his defeat - he was tired of sneaking around; the game was over and his conscience was ready to throw up the white flag.

Another dream involved us camping, with his campsite separate from mine. Tucked neatly away amongst the trees, hidden from plain sight, were several rows of red flags. Just a silly dream, right?

Odd but again, I told him everything, all these dreams, all my thoughts, all my wounds, all my secrets and my stories. He listened and always reassured me that there was nothing going on.

And I believed him.


Then there was one day in February when things shifted. I had been staying with him at his house almost full-time. Even though we had just met 4 months prior, we had already been in discussion about moving in together. We talked about getting married, having children, and traveling; how the house he was about to buy would be my home too. I had quickly grown accustomed to this idea and started to feel comfortable embodying this sense of ‘home’ within this sacred space we were cultivating together.

He was at work that day and I had decided to do a deep clean on the house. In general, I like to clean, even though if you saw my room and my car you wouldn’t believe that to be the case.

Regardless, I was in my cleaning trance, flowing with the music and the sway of the broom, cleaning the master bathroom when I went to sweep under the sink and find a label-less bag.


What’s this bag? Not my business but an odd place for it.


What’s in the bag? Not my business but I am curious due to the placement of the bag.


What I found was not that big of a deal, some generic prescription for erectile dysfunction (ED is a common issue, especially for men that indulge in the daily drink). At that moment I realized the sensitive nature of the bag's contents and put it back where I found it.

Again, not my business, however the unexpected discovery heightened my subconscious suspicions.

It’s nothing, not a big deal.

I continued cleaning.

A few hours later, he arrived home from work. He came in through the door with a smile on his face and greeted me with a kiss as I finished cleaning up in the kitchen.


“I’m going to go check on the garden,” he said as he set his phone on the counter and headed out the back yard.

What took place next happened in a matter of minutes, or maybe it was even seconds; time can be a trickster.


Before I could make cognitive sense of what I was doing, I had his cell phone in my hand. I knew his code because, again, we talked about everything and trusted each other.

So why was I going on his phone? I had done this previously out of paranoia but was met with understanding and reassurance. I had been lied to before by a few partners and it always involved some piece of technology.

“I have absolutely nothing to hide from you. Here’s my passcode, just tell me next time and we can go through it together.”


So why was I going on his phone without him?

My heart pounded loudly in my chest as I typed in his code.

I’m not going to find anything.

You are just paranoid and this will make you feel better.


Oh how I wished that to be the case, although looking back now, I know that this was fate.


Open recent apps.

Tinder.

Tinder?

Tinder….

I locked the phone and set it down as quickly as I picked it up, only to pick it right back up and double, triple check what I just saw.

Recent apps.

Tinder.