I sit here at my computer and wonder what has taken me so long to write these words. Fear of judgment? Shame? Inability to face myself, accept my truths? I’m not entirely sure and I don’t think it really matters. Over the last several days I’ve come to realize more and more how important it is, no, not just important, how VITAL and IMPERATIVE it is to release stored emotions, repressed trauma, extract and undo limiting beliefs - all in the name of healing.
Over the last two years, I’ve embarked on an intense journey of self-inquiry revolving around physical pain and dis-ease in my body. I’ve approached my healing from so many different directions I’ve made myself dizzy, exhausted, stressed, and out of touch with my soul. Multiple western medical doctor visits, blood tests, dietary changes, supplements, a handful of healers, body workers, and prayer, lots of prayer. Every time I started to feel a little bit better, my energy would dip back down and symptoms would re-emerge. And symptoms in this body were wild - insatiable itchy skin, low energy, heartburn, inconsistent bowel activity, dry mouth with an irritated tongue, dry eyes, achy joints, anxiety, heart palpitations…the list goes on. Western tests revealed not one but two heart murmurs, autoimmune markers of unknown origin, neutropenia and an overall low white blood cell count - but I was always told ‘there’s nothing to worry about, you’re fine, let’s just wait and see.’
Wait until it gets worse.
I said no to the waiting game (which was about a year ago), said thank you to Western medicine, turned my attention East and decided to go inward, into my own energy, the energy of the Divine, the medicine stored within.
A mentor in college repeated this mantra to me on a weekly basis - “You have all the answers you need inside of you. Your body and your higher self will tell you. All you have to do is ask.” He would then direct me to a dream inquiry method; one of which I have been doing since 2014 however up until a few days ago, there was a certain emotion disrupting the signal, interfering with the receptivity of the messages: FEAR
Fear wasn’t always looming over my consciousness, unlike it does in my present state, permeating every nook and cranny of my BEing. Sure, fear has always been around; it’s a survival instinct to keep us safe. But when did fear become to pervasive in my bodymind that it literally started to suck the life out of me? This is what I have been sitting with over the last few days. I recognize that my relationship with FEAR (fear of being seen, fear of expression, fear of shame, fear of emotions, fear of rejection, fear of love, fear fear fear) has become woefully out of balance and thus resulted in my dis-ease.
Eastern medicine and energy medicine says that the source of dis-ease in the body, which we call ‘cancer, fibromyalgia, autoimmune, etc,’ is a result of holding on to our emotions. I’ve always approached my healing from a 3D, physical, symptomatic way, chasing my own tail over and over again. I’m exhausted, and tired of the sick system that places reliance on the external to heal the symptom and not the whole. My faith now aligns with the East, and Spirit once told me, reminded me, during a deep meditation of a universal truth - “everything is energy, love and happiness are a choice and you get to make that choice.” I’m in a deep and sometimes painful process of unlearning, deprogramming and reprogramming, remembering and embracing the power within, which is why I am finally getting pen to paper and moving this energy…because I want to heal. To quote Joe Dispenza, I have faith that “the power that created the body can heal the body,” and that we, with our powerful minds pumping with the energy and love of Source, create our own dis-ease.
Which leads me to HERE and NOW. I’m now taking the time to express my emotions, facing the shame, the internal critic, the fear, the anxiety, and leaning into love. I want to actively release the trauma, transform old patterns, and transmute the stale, low vibrational emotions that have been haunting my system, creating dense energy, and weighing me down for decades.
So today is day one of acknowledging these feelings I have kept stored away, neatly tucked inside my BEing. It’s time to let you out, send you lots of love, honor you and set you free. It’s now or never and I can’t continue living life this way. I choose to walk the path of courage; to Face Everything And Rise (F.E.A.R).
This is for healing, my healing, and maybe, hopefully, yours too.
So here goes my first reflection and love letter to fear…
Reflections on Fear
What would it look like, feel like in our bodies to move fear; to transmute the energy and make room for love?
When we are in a state of fear (mind, body, emotion, energy, spirit), healing cannot occur - so if we want to heal, we must become present in that sensation and consciously move it.
But what if we are afraid to face that very thing itself, FEAR?
Let’s imagine behind all that fear is a hurt child or an element of our heart that was left to fend for itself. Over time it had to figure out how to survive in harsh conditions, so it grew callous flesh, built walls and tough armor, and set forth into the world begrudgingly. How do we face something so unapproachable?
No, never just once for it will continue to transform - so we must continuously arrive, over and over again, greeting it anew as if it and we were babies first exploring the world with a beginner’s mind.
And how do we ease into that space when fear permeates the entire world we exist in?
With our beautiful beloved breath; the fountain of Spirit that flows into our mighty lungs and humbly carries us into the NOW-ness of our BEing.
“Remember, you existed long before you had any thoughts or ideas.”
Fear is an emotion that we can learn to witness and observe, BE present with but not identify as such.
And so the work is….
Sit with Fear
Makes friends with Fear
Release Fear and offer it Love
I realize that I’ve lived with Fear my entire life - haven’t we all though?
So many decisions were made from a place of fear.
Is this not the ultimate spiritual hurdle to get to Love - through Fear?
I feel fear…everywhere.
Now I will sit with you, dear friend.
A Letter to Fear
Dearest Fear, my forgotten friend,
I see you now. I’ve felt your presence in my BEing for a long, long time, and yet I somehow missed and misunderstood your cries for attention. You presented yourself to me in dreams, parading around as a monster in the basement of a house, as poisonous spiders dangling from webs, as close family members dying gruesome and horrifying deaths, as blood sucking ticks, as all sorts of creatures, shadows, and mysterious places. One dream in particular, you pulled me into the depths of the ocean as I fought for my life, and as I woke with a scream, hurling my body on to the floor of the living room, I thought I had died, and yet it was just you, yearning to be seen, felt, heard, tasted, acknowledged, loved.
I feel you in my physical body - the aches and pains, symptoms that have snowballed into treacherous worry, sleepless nights of believing I’m unable to be healed, forever broken. I feel you in the furrow of my brow, the clenching of my jaw, the tension in my neck and shoulders. I see you as floating strings in my eyes and I taste your bitter residue on my tongue. I sense you are also behind the anxiety, shame, and guilt that has weighed me down for eons and eons, afraid to be seen in pain, afraid to be judged, afraid to be loved.
Oh Fear, I’ve experienced you in food, afraid to eat for fear of getting fat, being unhealthy, making myself sick. Your forgotten and neglected presence has infected my entire BEing but I didn’t realize before it was you.
Now I do.
I’m aware of you.
And now, I want to love you.
So please, tell me, long and seemingly lost friend, how can I nurture you?
How do I tenderly reassure you that we are in this together?
You’ve tried to pull me out of my body during countless episodes of sleep paralysis; eyes wide, body stiff, unable to speak or move. A haunting presence sitting on my chest. Your presence has pulsed through my veins for decades, clenching your grip in every organ, every cell of this body. You’ve invaded my mind - when I look in the mirror always seeing something wrong. Fear to be OK, Fear to be seen.
But I see you now, Love disguised in a cloak of shadows. Love quivering in the corner, afraid to be embraced.
But I see you now, bare and naked, open and ready, and I will embrace you slow and steady. Like a scared infant, I’ll hold you in my arms, singing softly and gently reminding you of your worth.
How can I best love you?
I think for now I’m just going to sit with you. I will wait patiently for your call.