During yoga this morning, the teacher said, “If there’s one thing to remember, you are here to love.”
This statement brought tears to my eyes. I felt the warmth of my own salty drops trace lines down my cheeks as I let this message sink into my BEing.
Why did this make me cry?
I’ve been struggling for some time now when it comes to love; feeling love, expressing love, feeling joy. When I heard those words, my first thought was “I’ve given so much love away to past partners and the love had been abused, neglected, manipulated, twisted up, not appreciated, not reciprocated.”
In this same class, a familiar song played over the speakers and too, tears welled up in my eyes. That song brought me back to the last relationship I was involved in; one where I fell madly in love and just when I thought things were fairytale perfect, I discovered hidden truths that crushed my spirit, tore my heart wide open and ripped it into pieces.
This is kind of familiar - this pattern of being in relationships where I am met with deceit, heartache, unmet expectations and feelings of unworthiness. Even during a past life reading it was reflected to me that one of my earlier lives was one of a sex worker, where I desired love so badly from my suitors, but they were just there for their own needs, used me and moved on. I was always left feeling unworthy, like a doormat, piece of garbage, easily tossed out and replaceable.
Past life or not, these feelings still haunt me today. Unworthy of love, unworthy of joy, success, feeling good in my body, about my body - like there’s always something to fix. What’s this even about? Where did this notion even come from? Do other people feel this way too? At what point did that child inside me forget how whole and perfect she is? And, now that I am becoming more aware of this disharmony within, how do I make peace and feel whole?
I’ve been reading Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life and I appreciate how much attention she brings to our thoughts and the control we have over them. She puts the responsibility back on the self - WE create everything that happens in our lives. All the ‘accidents,’ mishaps, patterns in relationships, are energies within us, reflected outwards. We create an energy field that pulls people and experiences into our lives and it’s up to us to become conscious and aware to make changes. It has me noticing my own thoughts and how A LOT of them are negative, full of fear, anxiety, worry, stress, and the like.
So I noticed this today in yoga, especially when deeply rooted emotions surfaced. Not only do I have a knee-jerk reaction to hold back the expressions, my mind races; I start thinking of worst case scenarios. I get stuck in the story of the past trauma and feel frozen in a thought loop. I think this is because there is so much emotion stored there and becoming aware is a step in the right direction, however I want forward momentum. When I felt myself spiraling down, an image popped into my head - I could see myself standing out in the sun, arms wide open, eyes closed and facing up to the sky, a huge smile on my face; total bliss and peace filled up my BEing as I welcomed the sun's golden rays into body. Then I remembered one of the beautiful affirmations from Hay’s book; “Joy joy joy, I welcome joy into my heart and allow it to flow freely in my body.”
I am worthy of feeling joy. I am worthy of feeling love. At this moment I accept, with grace and compassion, that all the experiences within my life have been created by my own doing. And with this understanding, I can move towards peace. I choose to believe that every person I come into contact with is doing their best, and I honor that each soul is on its own journey.
Praying for peace and wholeness within every human soul. Praying for self-love for every soul - for when we truly love ourselves, we can love one another.
